Season 16, Episode 10 – Caboose’s Travels | Red vs. Blue

Season 16, Episode 10 – Caboose’s Travels | Red vs. Blue


Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… to my vacation photos. Gentlemen, hold onto your butts. Ladies, hold onto whatever girls have instead of butts. …Is it a tail? [Whispers.] Is that what it is? Ah, this is the one from when I found the gun that shoots doors and went through the doors and had a good time with my friend Lopez. LOPEZ : I hated it. Yeah, it all started because I needed my lucky penny to start a fixed-interest savings account. Then Grif told me to go buy some donuts. So I went to the donut shop and a guy named Gavrilo Principal asked to borrow my gun. I said okay. Yeah, then there was a lot of yelling, so we left and went here. I was really tired, so I asked someone for two cups of coffee. I, ah, yeah, I totally sneezed on that guy. Yeah, then we asked some monkeys if they’d seen my penny, but it turned out they were mean monkeys. If they turn and come back up, beat ‘em! With a stick! I hope they learned their lesson. Oh yeah! Then I met some really really ugly people and helped name their company. I think it will stick! Agh! God, those guys were ugly! And then we met some really hairy dads! All the hairy dads looked so cold, I started a fire for them! Hairy dads are my best friends! Ah, and then me and the hairy dads started a band! And I was teaching them how to play “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” when I caught on fire! Yeah, this part I was on fire. Yeah, let’s skip that part. Skip. Skip, skip, skip. Then I found my friends. The end! Well, that changes… literally everything. I’m gonna need some time to process this. Ten, fifteen years should be enough. Told you so. At least we’re still standing here, right? Caboose didn’t erase anybody. Yeah that we know of! Uh, that’s a good point though. Cabooses travels in time- Uh, in time for what? Am I late? Time travels, Caboose. Sure it does. Really makes you think. Circles As I was saying Pardon—ah, dear Director? We’re all set up and waiting for you. Cancel the shoot! This is way too important. Understood! We shall shoot the maiming scene another day, I guess. Whoa, we’re up to that? Fuck yeah, time travel can wait! Ah, okay, wait. Real quick. There’s still one more piece to this puzzle. The paradox question? Right. So far, all the time traveling can be explained away by a really weird closed loop. No one’s done anything that would prevent them from traveling in time in the first place. If you do that, let me know what happens! If there’s still a me. And there’s still a happens. Speaking of closed loops—my migraine has a migraine. I’ll, um— I’ll see you guys later. Gonna grab some shuteye. Lord, please i—I bring news! The News? Engh! Boring. Skip. Sire, the—the French have landed at Cornwall! Sweet. About friggin’ time. Did they bring everything I asked for? I don’t believe so, Your Grace. It appears to be an invasion? We must raise an army at once. Heh. An army. Let’s let the military worry about armies, okay? But we are the—Sire—I shan’t stand here and watch as the noble land of Camelot— Ahem, Camelto. Camelto… is overrun by the French! I refuse— *ghasp* ‘Tis Excalibur! Blessed be the sword of swords! That’s what I thought. Are we done? No, Your Grace. There is one other matter. Thou hath a visitor. He insults thee to any fellow that listens. What?! What does he sayeth? He sayeth… “Tucker is a butt. A dildo.” That he hath a dildo up the butt. Ah-whaat?! He sayeth thou cannot maintain an erection, and hath dubbed this condition “Wangxiety.” But you told him I’m King, right? Verily. He countered, *ahem* perhaps thou art the King of… masturbating? *snickering* Jack of all offs, Master of Bates, and a Cockbite of the highest order. Kill him! Kill that guy! Off with his head! *giggles* Ah, yes Sire. Cockbite… cockbite!? Oh, God damn it. TUCKER: What the fuck are you doing here? We happened to be in the neighborhood. Yeah? Neat. What’s with the uh, glowing thing? Huggins has a name. It’s Huggins! Sorry I’m late! I got waylaid. Hey, brother! When did you pop in? We happened to be in the neighborhood! What brings you to my kingdom, losers? Need a knighthood? Or perhaps a circumcision. Knock it off. Come on! What’ll it be, a Baron? Baron Wasteland, Lord of the Swamp. I’m the King! Get with it. …the fuck is wrong with Tucker? Somebody doesn’t take rejection well! God damn it. Respect me! I hold the magic sword, and thusly, I decide what’s what! My word is law! The sun and the moon are the same thing! Mice grow up to be dogs! Scott Bakula’s Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap! You will respect me! You will kneel! We can see your boner. Eeeh!—I’ll fire you from the trebuchet! Oh, friends! I have finally found you! Praise be! Look, Tucker. I didn’t cross the face of the Earth for shits and giggles. We’re all in deep. O’Malley’s back. Guys? Turns out all our time traveling has been doing some serious damage to some serious shit. How do you know all this? Huggins told me. We’re working together now. Power bu-ump! [Both] Pshoo! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, guys! You can’t trust that thing—she’s working for the bad guys! I am not a bad guy! It’s Donut who’s playing for the other team. How dare you! I have two questions. Are you seeing anyone? Do you like girls? I go both ways! I’m a particle and a wave. [Giggles.] Physics joke. What the fuck is going on? I was thinking about some important King shit and lost the thread. Yeah. Turns out Donut’s finger-quotes “God” is actually the new big bad. He gave us time machines so that we’d ruin history. We haven’t ruined history. You declared war on France! They had it coming! Those fancy fucks eat snails. To save the future, we must fix the past! That’s the mission God gave us. It is… vague, isn’t it? Like, starve a cold, feed a fever? Save a future, fix the past! It was meant to be hazy, so you’ll go and do whatever! Not true! Listen to me! Why… would we ever do that? Right, how silly of me? To think my friends would ever be on my side. Fine, die! See if i care. Oh, I feel bad. I think we hurt his feelings Meh. Lord… My lady. *giggles* The French are at the gates! They’re laying seige to Camelto! Ugh. We don’t have time for an action scene! Let’s just go. Leave? …Now? I’m not going anywhere. Friends! Companions! Douche-knuckles! I may not have been the greatest King, but I would never abandon my people in their time of need. Lancelot, mount my steed! I shall lead the charge myself! Right away, sir! Did you really mean that? Hell no, Let’s bail. CREW: Ah, there you are! Follow me, please. You’re late for your big moment! Hey!— Uh. No need. I’m already rigged up. I prefer to do my own stunts. Excuse me? Clear the set! Places, everyone! What’s my motivation here, Jax? So you’re this dashing action hero guy who pulls the whole team together! Right. Who are awesome, charismatic, funny, brave, basically perfect. Uh, huh. And it all goes to shit when you’re shot in the neck a bunch. Action! Cut! [Bell rings.] What is this, a frickin’ Disney movie? I said I wanted blood! Give me blood! Action! [Bell rings.] What was that, a fuckin’ paper cut? Come on. Action! [Bell rings.] Action! [Bell rings.] Action! *Jax’s voice echoes and gets distorted.* *flashback* Wash! What the fuck are you doing? Wash, get down! *distorted voice* Get Down! CAROLINA: Hey. Ah! You okay? Yeah, I’m— I’m fine. I’d be more fine if people gave me some space. CAROLINA: Damn it! Aw… dang it! O’MALLEY: Tsk, tsk. Language, Donut! Mwahaha! What are you doing here? Same thing as you, my brother! And if I were you, I certainly wouldn’t keep Him waiting. GOD: Donut… come… closer. DONUT: Ah! Ah—actually, I’m really cool right here, like I-I kinda tweaked my ankle, and I can hear everything really well, so— GOD: Have faith. I’m, uh— GOD: Walk. Ohh. Ah. Oh boy! Oh boy, boy. Don’t look down, don’t look down. Help *breathes heavily* GOD: I would never let any harm come to you, child. You’re my father? Oh my. That makes me Fabulous Jesus! GOD: All are my children. Everything that exists. Everything… GOD: Everything. I got sick one time from a piece of old gum in eighth grade. GOD: I know what you’re getting at. And yes, I am that gum’s father. Amazing! GOD: Donut… something troubles you. It’s your friends. Yeah. They’re such jerks! GOD: Indeed. They are jerks. I’m sorry to say they will betray you, Donut. Betray? No! They’re my friends! GOD: Name one nice thing they’ve done. Um… ah! I got sick once, and Grif made me a sandwich! …Oh. But then he ate the sandwich in front of me. GOD: Donut, look at me. I would never eat your sandwich. GOD: Your friends have chosen the wrong side. But I am merciful. GOD: You may still save them. And then they’d all be nice to me? GOD: Donut, I will spare your friends. Return to them now. But when you do, GOD: there’s one thing— GOD: one thing you must do for me…

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