Nick Offerman Considers His ‘Survivor’ Strategy

Nick Offerman Considers His ‘Survivor’ Strategy


>>Stephen: I LIKE THE LITTLE
RUNWAY TURN YOU GAVE US RIGHT NOW.>>WELL, I’M EXHAUSTED SO I’M
TRYING TO GOOSE MYSELF.>>Stephen: REALLY? YEAH.>>Stephen: WOW. THAT’S A SIN. I LIKE POPPING THE JACKET. YOU’VE GOT A VEST ON.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: I LIKE THE GUEST
WHO GOES THE EXTRA MILE AND ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF FABRIC ON HIS
BODY.>>YOU KNOW WHAT? I’VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED YOU TO BE
VERY CLASSY. I SAY THAT SINCERELY.>>Stephen: THANK YOU. O I WORE A THREE-PIECE SUIT
TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE.>>Stephen: WELL, I FEEL
SCANDALOUSLY UNDERDRESSED. I’M GOING TO BUTTON UP. PSH AW!>>Stephen: I FEEL DRESSED FOR
SUMMER. AT THE END OF THE DAY THE MEAT
FALLS RIGHT OFF THE WORK.>>IT’S MY BASTING OUTFIT.>>Stephen: WE HAVE A LITTLE
END TABLE NICK MADE FOR US. GORGEOUS WORK. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, YOU’RE KNOWN FOR YOUR — ( LAUGHTER )
ARE WE KEEPING AN OKAY SHAPE OR —
>>LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. RETAINING ITS LUSTER.>>Stephen: LAST TIME YOU GAVE
ME THESE BEAUTIFUL OFFERMAN WOOD SHOP — DO YOU WANT TO THROW
THAT OVER THERE?>>LOVE TO.>>Stephen: WE’LL PUT ONE ON
HERE.>>NO RINGS ON THAT BAD BOY.>>Stephen: NOT THAT I HAVE TO
PROTECT MY PLASTIC DESK BUT FEELS REALLY NICE.>>THAT’S THE RIGHT IDEA.>>Stephen: SO I LOVE WATCHING
THE VIDEOS YOU MAKE OF MAKING A CANOE. YOU’RE A MAN IN FULL. WHERE DID THIS NEED TO MAKE
THINGS WITH YOUR HANDS COME FROM?>>I GREW UP IN AN MAZING FAMILY
CENTERED AROUND MY MOM’S FAMILY FARM. THEY RAISE CORN, SOYBEANS AND
USED TO HAVE PIGS.>>Stephen: OKAY. O I GREW UP WITH MEN AND
WOMEN USING TOOLS IN THE GARDEN, KITCHEN, IN THE BARN, THESE
PEOPLE CREATING A LIFE WITH THEIR HANDS, AND, SO, EVEN
THOUGH I TRAIPSED OFF TO THEATER SCHOOL TO BECOME A DANCER —
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: WAS DANCE GOING TO
BE YOUR FIRST CHOICE?>>AND STILL HAVE.>>Stephen: YOU’RE BASICALLY A
HOOFER.>>THAT’S RIGHT. I’M ON MY WAY. BUT WHILE I HAVE BEEN STUDYING
THE STAGE ARTS, I’VE ALWAYS MADE A LIVING USING TOOLS, CARPENTER,
BUILDING FURNITURE. IT SATISFIES A FA MILLIAL NEED. I CAN HOLD UP MY HEAD AROUND MY
FAMILY. THEY DON’T CARE IF I’VE DONE
SHAKESPEARE BUT IF I BUILT A TABLE THEY SAY, COME ON, IN
LET’S GET YOU A BEER. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I ADMIRE CARPENTERS. THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR
CARPENTER I LOOK UP TO.>>MM-HMM.>>Stephen: I THINK YOU KNOW
WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT. HARRISON FORD.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
>>HARRISON FORD, JESUS AND MYSELF ARE THE BIG THREE SHOW
BUSINESS CARPENTERS.>>Stephen: REALLY? MM-HMM.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, THE LAST
TIME YOUR OPINION ON HERE, YOU WERE WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE.>>BLESS HER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SHE’S O ON THE NEW BIG HIT “WILL AND GRACE.” THAT SHOW IS GOING TO GO
SOMEPLACE.>>THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AWFULLY SERIOUS. ARE YOU GOING TO ROB WOOD STOCK? WHAT IS THIS PHOTO FOR?>>I HAVE ROBBED WOOD STOCK. I WOULD ADVISE AGAINST IT. UNLESS YOU LIKE ROLLING PAPERS.>>Stephen: YEAH, DON’T STEAL
THE BROWN ACID.>>NO, WE’RE WEARING OUR BUFFS
BECAUSE WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO THE SURVIVOR FINALE.>>Stephen: OH. YOU ARE A FAN OF THE SURVIVOR.>>WE’RE HUGE FANS OF SURVIVOR. PEOPLE DON’T REMEMBER PERHAPS
THAT SURVIVOR WAS THE ORIGINAL REALITY SHOW BEFORE THEY GOT
CRAPPY.>>Stephen: WAS IT 99? WERE WITH WE COMING UP ON 20
YEARS OF SURVIVOR?>>SOMETHING LIKE THAT.>>Stephen: I REMEMBER WHEN IT
STARTED OVER HERE AND I REMEMBER GOING LIKE, THAT’S STUPID, THEN
IT BECAME THE BIGGEST THING ON THE PLANET.>>WE LOVE IT. MEGAN IS A GREAT CURATOR OF
TELEVISION AND SHE HAS ALWAYS STUCK WITH IT AND I AGREE, I’M
HER DISCIPLE, I LEARN AT HER FEET, AND WE’RE CRAZY ABOUT
SURVIVOR. JEFF PROBST IS THE GREATEST TEAM
CAPTAIN WE’VE EVER SEEN IN THIS COUNTRY.>>Stephen: YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.>>WHEN I WANT TO CHEER MEGAN
UP, I RUN INTO THE OTHER ROOM AND YELL, COME ON IN, GUYS! ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WELL, THAT’S HIS CATCH PHRASE.>>THAT’S THE CATCH PHRASE.>>Stephen: SO WOULD YOU WANT
TO BE ON?>>I FANTASIZED ABOUT BEING ON
SURVIVOR, AND ON ONE HAND I THINK I COULD BUILD, YOU KNOW, A
THREE-STORY SPLIT LEVEL FOR THE OTHER CONTESTANTS. I’D BUILD A WATER WHEEL SO WE
COULD ACTUALLY POWER APPLIANCES.>>HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE YOU. IT WOULD TAKE A DAY AND A
HALF OR TWO. I MEAN, IT WOULDN’T BE QUICK BY
ANY STRETCH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S YOU RECALL
STRATEGY? ARE YOU ONE OF THE GUYS THAT
GETS NAKED RIGHT AWAY AND FREAKS EVERYBODY OUT?>>NO, UNLESS I URGENTLY NEEDED
TO GET A LAUGH FROM THE GROUP, I WOULD STAY CLOTHED.>>Stephen: OKAY. THE SOCIAL GAME COULD BE MY
DOWNFALL BECAUSE EITHER I WOULD GO WITH INTEGRITY WHICH WOULD BE
MY NATURE JUST TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS, BUT THOSE PEOPLE NEVER
WIN. YOU HAVE TO BE A BACKSTABBING
SNAKE TO WIN THE GAME.>>Stephen: YEAH. O I COULD CALL UPON MY
CLASSICAL TRAINING AND BECOME A MACHIAVELLIAN.>>Stephen: YEAH. IT WOULD BE WORTH A TRY.>>Stephen: WHAT ABOUT MEGAN,
WOULD SHE WANT TO GO?>>I DON’T THINK SO. SHE LIKES IT IN OF DOORS. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: IN OF DOORS? YEAH.>>Stephen: INSTEAD OF OUT OF
DOORS?>>YEAH, INSIDE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YOU HAVE THE NEW MOVIE “HEARTS BEAT LOUD.” IT PREMIERES TOMORROW. WHAT’S THE MOVIE ABOUT?>>I AM SO PROUD OF THIS MOVIE. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL, LOVING DOSE OF
MEDICINE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE SEEN THE
NEWS RECENTLY.>>Stephen: TRY NOT TO. BUT THERE’S A LOT OF CRAPPY
PARTS.>>Stephen: YEAH. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BUMMED
OUT AND STRESSED BECAUSE OF THE UPROAR OUR NATION IS IN MORALLY.>>Stephen: YEAH. AND THIS MOVIE LETS YOU
FORGET ABOUT THAT. IT’S A VACATION FROM ALL OF THE
DIRTY THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON. IT’S A STORY OF A SINGLE DAD
PLAYED BY ME AND HIS DAUGHTER PLAYED BY KEARSEY CLEMENS, WHO
WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF, AND THAT’S BEFORE SHE STARTS
SINGING. WHEN SHE STARTS SINGING YOUR
SOCKS WILL SLIP ON AND YOUR HAT WILL FLY OFF.>>Stephen: YOU’RE A FATHER
DAUGHTER BAND, RIGHT?>>WE’RE A BAND. MY DREAM IS TO GO TO COLLEGE AND
SHE WANTS TO BE A DOCTOR. I’M TRYING TO GET HER TO BE
IRRESPONSIBLE AND A ROCK STAR WITH ME SO THAT’S THE CONFLICT. THE STORY IS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOUR DREAMS DON’T QUITE COME TRUE, CAN YOU FIND HAPPEN
NECESSARY AND LOVE.>>Stephen: SHE’S BRUSHING HER
TEETH, WHAT’S HAPPENING?>>SHE’S BRUSHING HER TEETH, WE
HAD AN AMAZING MUSIC SESSION, I’M UNFLAPPABLY CONVINCE HERRING
WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A BAND.>>Stephen: OKAY, JIM. I’M OFF TO WORK. NO. COME ON. THAT WAS AMAZING.>>YOU HAVE BEEN WANTING TO TRY
TO START A BAND WITH ME SINCE I WAS 12.>>AND AS GREAT AS SANDWICH AND
FRANK COULD HAVE BEEN, WE’RE LEGIT. WE’RE BETTER NOW. WE SHOULD COME UP WITH A COOLER
NAME.>>WE’RE NOT A BAND. WE’RE NOT A BAND? I LIKE IT.>>Stephen: YEAH, NICE NAME. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, BEFORE I LET YOU GO, BEFORE I LET YOU GO BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU’VE GOT A LOT MORE MOVIE SELLING TO DO, I WANT TO SHOW
YOU SOMETHING. MY STAFF IS QUITE PROUD BECAUSE
THEY HAD ADMIRE YOU AS A WOODWORKER AS DO I, AND INSPIRED
BY YOU THEY BUILT A BENCH TO PUT ON. WE’VE GOT A LITTLE ROOF GARDEN
ON THE BUILDING. THEY BUILT A BENCH TO GO ON THE
ROOF GARDEN AND THEY WANT YOU TO APPRAISE IT. LET’S BRING IT OUT HERE AND SHOW
YOU WHAT THE GUYS BUILT, OKAY? ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY.>>LOOK AT THAT!>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT. ( CHEERING )
>>WELL, UH, IT LOOKS LIKE A COLLECTION OF STUDS FROM THE
HOMEBUILDING STORE THAT ARE USED — THOSE ARE THE TWO BY
FOURS USED AS THE SLATS. THEN SOME SORT OF PLASTIC
BRACKET CONSTRUCTS THAT ARE PRETTY NIFTY LOOKING NOW, BUT
WHEN THEY END UP IN THE LANDFILL, ALTHOUGH THEY GO LIKE
THAT –>>Stephen: HOLY COW. DID YOU KNOW IT DOES THAT? I HAD NO IDEA.>>Stephen: I’M NOT SURE IT DID IT BEFORE YOU MADE IT DO IT. THAT’S HOW GOOD YOU ARE. SHALL WE HAVE A SEAT AND SEE IF
IT’S COMFORTABLE?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. LET’S TURN THIS THING INTO A
LOVESEAT.>>Stephen: OH. ( APPLAUSE )
“HEARTS BEAT LOUD” IS IN THEATERS TOMORROW! NICK OFFERMAN, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NIECY
NASH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )

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