Matt Besser’s Arkippiana

Matt Besser’s Arkippiana


(cheerful upbeat music) – What about the marathon runner who won the marathon last weekend, but now he can’t stop running? – Yeah, he ran past my house this morning. He was weeping, begging
someone to tackle him. – That does sound pretty interesting, but doesn’t sound like a lead story. What else do you got? – Thanks, Tony. – Thank you, Tony. – Oh, here’s something. Apparently, there’s a
malfunctioning talking greeting card that’s insulting everyone. – According to the shop’s Facebook page, the card is mostly making fat jokes so women are boycotting the shop. – Excuse me, I’m Stan. – Excuse me, if you’ve got a delivery, the sign says, drop it in the back. So, what else do you guys got? – Just got a tip from an
adopt a dog service in town. They’re having issues
getting many dogs adopted, including a Nazi German
shepherd, a peedle, that’s a poodle that can’t poo, and a dog that looks just like a baby. – Oh yeah, I heard about
that dog looks like a baby. I hear it also cries like a baby. – Yeah, I heard it got
up and walked around, like a baby. – Maybe it is a baby? – Why are you still here? I told you delivery’s in the back. – Actually, I’m not here
to deliver anything. – Okay, I’m sorry. If you came for that
toilet cleaning position, it’s already been filled. – Thank you for the job, Jim. – Well, Frank, you earned it. – I’m Stan Neely, I’m from Boston. – Oh, Stan Neely, the website producer. – [Stan] Yes. – Yes, hi, I’m Cindy Fox. I’m a writer for the paper. Welcome. – Thank you. – Frank Falco. – Oh, you designed the current site. – It’s one of my jobs. I’m also head technician
in the toilet area. – Well, well, well. If you aren’t the college boy that’s come to our town
to swoop our newspaper into the 20th century with
your virus videos, huh? – If you mean viral videos
and 21st century, then yes. At Harvard, I founded the school’s first– – What? What’d you just say? – At Harvard. – You said Howard, you
didn’t say Harvard, did you? – Did you pahk the cahr in
the Harvard parking lot? – Did you pahk the cah in
the Havahd pahking lot? – I think you guys meant pahk
ya cah in the Havahd yahd. – Once you park in someone’s yard then you ruin the grass, asshole. You might’ve gone to Harvard, but just remember, I’m the
editor-in-chief of this paper. Or should I say blog. – I guess it’s okay to spit in here. – Yeah. – Jim’s father, Jim Senior,
ran this paper for 60 years. When he passed, he bequeathed
it to Jim Junior here. – I thank the good lord
everyday that my pappy never had to live to see the internet. – Oh, he died several years ago? – No, he died three months ago. – Stan, we were just pitching ideas for the paper’s lead story. The blog, I’m so sorry. It is darn difficult to stop saying paper. – The way I look at it, you’re not so much losing a paper as you are
gaining your own news network. – I mean that just sounds dandy, Stan. Wouldn’t that just be dandy, everyone? – Hopefully, yeah,
hopefully it will be dandy. Thanks, Cindy. – Thank you. So excuse me. I’m just gonna go take a powder. – You’ve obviously noticed
how pretty Cindy is. – Yeah, we saw you staring
at her butt on the way out. That’s rude in our town. – No, I wasn’t looking at her butt. – What were you staring at then? – Her head. – You’re attracted to the
back of women’s heads? Is that a porn category you go to? – I was just watching her leave. – I feel pretty weird
because we used to date. – Oh, hold on. You guys went on one date
’cause Cindy felt sorry for you. – I am not looking to
be anyone’s boyfriend. – That’s good. If you ever broke her heart, I’d have to break your face or at least give it a slap. Okay, you can stop talking about her now. She’s back. Don’t look at her butt either. – Stan, be cool. She’s right here. Don’t talk about her
when she’s right here. – I wasn’t talking about you. – Yeah, he’s attracted
to the back of your head or something like that. Alright, let’s move on this
rogue greeting card story. Now Frank, you know how
to operate the camera. – You turn that son of a bitch on and you point it at someone’s face and you go bing, bang, boom. – [Jim] Exactly. – Stan, I’m so nervous
about being on camera. – Really? You shouldn’t be because
you’ve got the face for it. – Thank you, Frank, but reporting the news is much more than just
being a pretty face. – That’s a great point, Cindy. You can have an ugly face like Frank and still report the news. And let me tell you, Stan
the man with the plan, I don’t care if my corporate
overlord sent you down here, I’m still editor-in-chief. You screw up one of my stories and I’ll send you back to Boston quicker than you can say clam chowder. – Cl, cla. – Stop it. – It’s okay, easy. – Cl, cla, clam cho, clam chowder. – We got it. – Clam chowder! – There you go, good job. – What, you got a soup stutter, too? – What is a soup stutter? – It’s a speech impediment that Frank has. Last month a bunch of
homophobes nearly beat him to a bloody pulp just because he was trying to order gazpacho. – Gay. – No. – Gay. – You’re gonna throw out your throat. – Gay, gay, gay spatcho. – Listen, Mr. Brady, I’m not
gonna screw anything up, okay? I just wanna help you make
your online presence something you are as proud of as
your dad’s newspaper. – P P P. – Pea Soup? – No, I have to go pee. – Well, why don’t we all carpool. Okay, Frank, when you’re done, do you wanna get the camera
and meet us at the car? – I better just meet you at the gift shop. I’ll take the action news skateboard. – Great. – Delivery’s in the back, Stan. I don’t mean the back of her head. – [Stan] Mr. Brady really
didn’t like me in there. – Don’t mind Jim. He doesn’t hate what
direction you come from. He just hates that you seem
smarter than everybody else. – No, no, no, no, no. I’m not a snob, alright? I look down on snobs. Snobs are beneath me. – Okay. – I just wanna make sure
everybody knows I’m smart enough to do a good job, that’s all. – I don’t understand why a
Harvard fellow, like you, is in a small town in the south. – Well, my mom was from the south and I didn’t ever really get a
chance to know her that well. So I thought moving down
here might be a nice way to connect. – Oh, Stan, that’s so sweet. Also, I had to leave Boston really fast because I got dumped by a lying bitch. – Oh my, Stan. – I can’t believe I
just said that out loud. I’m so sorry. – That’s okay. At least that part
about your mom was nice. – Yeah, the early part was nice, right? – That was good. – Yeah. (siren wails) – [Cop] Pull it over, son. – What the heck? I’m parked. (knocking) – Oh. – That looks like Mr. Brady. – That’s Jim’s twin brother, James. He’s the mean one. – Okay, buddy, I’m gonna have to ask you to ask me to step inside the car. – Wouldn’t it be easier
if I just stepped out? – With us expecting rain? Keep me in acid rain will
make you hallucinate. Not to mention that ‘shroom
rain gives you stomach cramps. Move over. – Hi, James. – Oh, Cindy, I didn’t
see you sitting there. Why are you in a stranger’s car? – It’s okay, James. He’s new, in from
Boston, to help the paper become a video news blog. – Show me that license, boy. – Alright, no problem, but
you still haven’t told me why you pulled me over when I was parked. – Well, first off,
you’re driving a hybrid. What are you handing me? This is a state driver’s license. We don’t honor these. Where’s your town driver’s license? – What’s a town’s driver’s license? – Well, Stan, Arkippiana, is
on the border of three states, Louisiana, Arkansas and Mississippi, so we require our own
license for the town. – Stan, about 60 years ago, there was a serial killer
in these parts named Stan. And he was exactly your age. – That’s not me. – I already had one Stan
rip this town apart. I’m not about to let that happen again. You get it, punk? – [Stan] Yes, sir. – James, let him go. Just take it easy. He’s a good person even if
he is a little bit different. Just let me drive him, please. Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top. – Oh, Cindy you know I love sugar. This is just like you
to find a wounded dog in the middle of the
road and take him home. Let’s just hope this
time you don’t get bit. Good luck with your blog. I don’t see how a man
could read the news online while taking a dump. (siren wailing) (bell dings) (Cindy clears throat) – Rhonda. – Oh, hi Cindy. Hi Frank. Listen, we hear you’re having a problem with one of those talking greeting cards. – Yeah. – Yeah, you’re not being crazy again thinking you hear the ocean in a seashell. – You shut up, Frank. Yes, Cindy, it was one of
our favorite greeting cards. You know, real sweet, real
nice, sings happy birthday once you open it up. Stopped singing as soon as you close it. Real well behaved card. – Okay, now you say the
cards are insulting people. – Yeah, I think some hacker from town somehow hacked into the computer chips and reprogrammed them. – Hold on, you think
hackers are behind this? They’re breaking into
greeting card computer chips. – I mean, yeah, if they’re really good and really determined, I think any great world class hacker could
hack through a greeting card security defenses. – I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm. – Uh, what’s sarcasm? – I think that was sarcasm. – What? – You’ll find there’s not a lot of sarcasm in our town, Stan. – Yeah, not since Gallagher
Two stopped touring. – He was really funny. Better than that Gallagher
One who stole his material. That hack thief. – Oh, but you know who’s touring now? Gallagher Three, Revenge of the Kiwi. – No. – Yeah, and get this,
the hammer is little. – Oh my god, we have to go. We have to go. How long is he doing the run? – I think a couple months. – Great, I’m going every single night. – Yeah, bring a poncho. – I have them from Gallagher Two. I have five different ponchos. – Let’s film this report, alright? Rhonda, can you show us where the card is? – Oh, I’m not going back there. No, no, no, I have been
insulted enough as it is. – It’s just a greeting card. It can’t be that mean, right? – You say that until it
sizes you up real good and says something insightful that gets you where it hurts, yeah. – What did it say to you? – It said, oh look, you can’t have kids. – That’s not even clever. – It knew everything about my body and my attitude. ‘Cause my attitude’s not
helping me get kids either. – Okay, Rhonda, that’s okay. We’re not gonna make you go back there if you don’t want to. – Thank you, Cindy. It’s back in that corner, in between the holiday wrapping paper and
the gangsta wrapping paper. – Oh, I’m so nervous. Do you have any tips for
my first on air report? – You’re gonna be great. Just talk the way you write. – But how can I talk with my fingers? – No, just be natural like
you are in your writing. – Come on, don’t listen to this guy. Cindy, just be natural, how
you are in your writing. – Okay. – Okay, this must be the card. – [Card] Happy birthday. – Okay, this doesn’t seem too bad. – [Card] What’s up, tiny dick? – Okay, there it goes. – That card said you had a tiny dick. – Yeah, I heard. – I wanna get that. – [Card] I hear your last girlfriend wouldn’t blow you because
she’s afraid of needles. – Alright, now that’s, okay, obviously a happy birthday greeting card can’t know anything about my penis size. – Stan, maybe you should
just close the card and walk away. – No, that would be silly. We still have to film your report. – [Card] If you’re going to film your dick then you’ll need a zoom lens. Happy birthday! – Okay, no, I do not have
to take these attacks. – [Card] Tiny dick. (card screams) Happy birthday. I’ve seen a bigger cock on an amoeba. – No, that’s not. (screaming) – Oh my, Stan. – If everyone could just back up. – The card just told me this dog I adopted looks like a baby. – Apology cards shouldn’t be mixed in with greeting cards. – That card told me my
breasts were pretty good. Pretty good? They’re great. (loud aggressive music) – You’ve destroyed my store. Police, help, police! – [Card] You’re hurting me. – I’ve never heard a greeting
card scream like that. It was the most awful tortured screams. – Well, Rhonda, I’m afraid
you’re experiencing PTSD. – Probably PTSD. – Oh no, not PTSD. – Okay, there’s no way she has post traumatic stress disorder. – What’s that? – Because of you, I have
pretty tiny snot discharge. – You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say is
something that you have said. – [Card] You are not in
touch with your emotions. You think you are better
than these people. Your girlfriend thought you were a snob. – A snob? Did your card just call me a snob? – [Card] You think because
you’re from the big city that makes you smarter than everyone else. – Yeah, speak on that. – Frank, don’t side with the card. – No, it’s true. Alright, when I first moved to Arkippiana, I didn’t know about the
town’s driver’s license or talking greeting cards or everyone’s hatred for hybrids, but now I know that those are just a few of the wonderful things
that make Arkippiana the unique place that it is. That’s why I moved here,
to get some new experiences and try to make a difference. – [Card] And you have a small dick. – Mother fucker. – Don’t take my card. (card screaming) – Ah, you gave him a
heart attack, he’s dying. You killed that old man. – No, no, no, no, no, what have I done? No, no, no, did I kill him? – [James] Yes, you killed him. – Oh no, no, no, no. – Fine job, Stan. I guess you are the man
with the plan after all. – This has got to be sarcasm, right? – What’s sarcasm? – You did it. You killed the most wanted criminal in the history of Arkippiana. The notorious serial
killer, Stan Striessen. – Oh my gosh, Stan, you got Stan, Stan. You’re a hero. – You know, I resented your city rat ways, but now I see that you’re a hero and you have a good fart. – I think you mean good heart. – How would that work? No, no a good, sweet
fart is what you have. – That’s right, that
was a fart felt speech and here’s another one. Stop lollygagging around
and get a report on this. Come on, get. Get, shoo, shoo. – Wait, where did Officer James go? – Hey, do you have any of
those Valentine’s Day cards with pink farts on them? (baby barks) Heel boy, come on. – Pandemonium, death,
artificial intelligence, these are just some of the things that plague the gift shop
on Main St. this afternoon where Arkippiana newcomer tracked down and killed this town’s
most wanted serial killer, Stan Striessen. Stan, how does it feel to be a hero? – Well, I’m hardly a hero, you know? I think I have. – [Card] Small dick. – A small dick, no, no, no, no, no. The card said that. I don’t have a. – [Man] It’s true, though. – No, I have a dick. – I’m Cindy Fox. – Wow, look, it’s over 200 views. – Yep, we got us a virus video. – Oh Stan, you did it. – It’s dandy. – Okay, man, now show us some of those back of the head videos. – Those don’t exist. – Show us. – Come on, don’t be shy. She don’t care. (cheerful upbeat music)

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