How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying

How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying

It takes two, right? I meanm we all know
that, But how do you save a marriage if only one is trying? You’re going to get
9 specific hacks to do that. Marriage is a team sport and that’s why this is
such a frustrating topic. If you’re working on it yourself, if you’re not
getting much help from your spouse, there’s still hope. There’s a lot of
reasons why this is true. I’ve heard so many times that marriage is a 50/50
proposition, right? You’ve heard that too. You do your half, I’ll do mine. We’ll meet
in the middle. You know there’s all these different analogies that we use for it.
50/50 doesn’t work. I have honestly not seen that work well. Because let’s be
honest about it. You’re doing your half, aren’t you? Yeah. That can be so
frustrating. Here’s something that I’ve found that works so much better. Let’s
change the ratio. How about 95/5. 95/5 is the hardest thing that I ask people to
do when I’m doing marriage coaching. It honestly is probably the most difficult
thing that I’m going to ask you to do in this video as well. And that is to assume
that this is 95% on you. And we’re only expecting about 5% from your spouse.
I know. Kind of frustrating on the surface. But let me share with you why
this works. First of all, you don’t have any control over your spouse, do you? He
is going to do what he’s been doing. She is going to continue to act the way
she’s been acting. You don’t have any control over their behavior. We’re
getting back to where you do have control and that’s yourself. And honestly
that’s hard enough. But that’s where you have some control. 95/5. You know what?
Anybody with a pulse can do 5%. What that means is your spouse is already doing
enough. I know. This is about where people turn off the video. But stay with me
because if you take that position, you’re in a position of power now where you can
actually do something. As long as you’re waiting for or expecting or hoping that
your spouse does something, it’s going to frustrate you and it’s going to annoy
your spouse. So, in your mind, you create a new mindset that says I am 95%
responsible for this relationship. Take it on. Right here, personally. Now,
it’s going to be tempting for you to think… I know you’re going to do this
because I do it too. You’re going to think, “You know what?
Things would just be so much better if my spouse would just…” Yeah,
then fill in the blanks. You know why you’re going to think that? Because you’re
right. It would be better if your spouse would
just straighten up. But that’s not useful. Because as soon as you identify what
they can change, they get all defensive and feel criticized. Notice that this is
true. Focus on your own responsibility, at least 95%. And then we can do
something about it. Now, what are you going to do with your 95%? That’s
where the hacks come in. 9 hacks. 9 surefire marriage hacks. Here they are.
I’m not even going to spend a lot of time on each one. I’m just going to
give it to you. Hack number one, positivity. You put yourself in a positive position. If you
need some help with that… Oh, we got a whole bunch of videos here that are
going to help you with that. So dive into those. Here on the positive personal
development playlist you’ll find what I’m talking about.
Stay positive. Hack number 2. Values. Get clear about the values that drive this
thing in the first place. Why did you create this? Little disclaimer. Sometimes
it’s easy to forget about all the reasons why you came together in the
first place when you’re in a conflict or when you’ve got problems that you’re
dealing with. Put those aside long enough to remember that you had some very good
reasons based on values and purpose that you got into this in the first place.
Remember that. Get focused on the values. Hack number 3. Humility. Humility and
the willingness to change. One of the things that gets us in the trouble the
most is that we know we’re right. Yeah. It’s not that you think you’re right. You
know you’re right. And because your spouse does too, this is what’s creating
the conflict. It’s all about who’s right instead of what’s right. Remember hack
number 2 about values. That’s what’s right. Humility. Tune into it
hack number 4. Forgiveness. This is your willingness to allow other people
to change. It’s not holding them hostage by their past behavior. Forgiveness is
giving up your demand for a better past. Hack number 5, respect. I still
remember a group that I ran years ago with a group of juvenile delinquents
that were referred by the court. We were talking about respect. One of these kids
had on sideways, he’s got a bolt through his nose and he said all this attitude
and he says, “I respect those respect me.” And I’m thinking, “Oh, wow!
That’s really mature.” What if you were to respect others because you are a
respectful person. Has nothing to do with them. Why do I respect you? Because that’s
who I am. To see how much more powerful that is? Alright, let’s move to hack
number 6. Love. Choose love. Every interaction you have with your spouse is
going to be on the love side or the hate side. And I picked the word hate because
people hate that word. What’s the opposite of love honestly? You get to
choose. Is my interaction with this person going to be a love choice or a
hate choice? Choose love. Hack number 7, compassion. Compassion is kind of
like love but I think it adds this kindness element where we really have
empathy and experience a surge of kindness toward that person. Notice that
these hacks don’t depend on your spouse, do they? No. And I know. I warned you
about this up front. When we go through these hacks, you’re going to notice that
your spouse could be doing a better job with probably all of these and even
though that’s true, it’s not useful. Remember the 95/5. You stay
focused on yourself. Here’s hack number 8, work. Be ready
for some good old-fashioned hard work. It’s going to take some. Don’t be afraid of
it. Hack number 9, wholesome recreation. Yeah, have some fun
even if you have to do it yourself. You take care of elevating your own mood.
These 9 hacks, in my experience are absolutely consistent and can change the
outcomes. And you don’t even need the input from your spouse. 9 hacks. Well
there you go. And more resources here in the positive
relationships resources playlist. Check it out.

25 thoughts on “How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying”

  • Alberta de la Guerre says:

    I love your expressions. You really remind me of my eldest son, he's ten. He's just as expressive:) Love your video's !

  • These hacks wont work if your spouse has emotionally checked out and has no desire to reconcile. I did these 9 hacks (learned from other various vids, blogs, books) with no change or improvement in relationship. I also used LRT from M.W. Davis and that didn't work either.

  • Great timing per usual. Keep the videos coming. You have great insight and a beautiful execution of explaining situations.

  • Patricia Schexnaildre says:

    Great video!! I just love your expressions…you get the point across while making me laugh! You are very helpful, as always…thank you Dr. Paul!!

  • I do like your videos Dr. I wonder if it is actually worth saving a marriage if only one is trying. I might as well become his mommy by doing an extra 5%. 🙁
    No offense.

  • "This is about where people turn off the the video…" 😂
    So unfortunate because this realization that you can only control YOU is sooo freeing! Enlightening, really.
    I've noticed my taking this approach has not just helped me let go of some issues, but my husband can't react how he normally might have because I won't participate in arguments how I used to (for the most part). We're both calmer and we are more often approaching problems with a mindset to solve them as best as possible rather than our old goal of persuading the other to "do the right thing" or "do the thing right". Keeping up with the normal daily considerations, such as making his coffee for him in the morning or offering to take the kids out every so often so he can have a break, also help him see me as a team member rather than an opponent, I feel.
    (Best part is, he has NO IDEA we're in counseling.) Thanks for this video and all the others, Dr. Paul!

  • Sir can you please make vedio on how to Handle Agressive partners how to be positive while handling them.your vedio really inspire me to be a Good Human

  • Great God-given principles-positivity, creativity, forgiveness n fun.Thank you do much. Possible, very possible, s'times hard to to n to be, but still very very possible-in time, in His time.There's a song I know that goes"In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time,…… may each song I have to sing, be to You a lovely thing, in Your time."

  • Travis Atkinson says:

    Do I send her my list daily? Or is that only for my own mind? Cus I've already sent day one and two and planning on sending day three in the morning.

  • Do you have any recommendations about this topic. Husband and wife pretty much playing the break up and make role many times and every time it gets hectic and we finally let all these emotions out. We start talking about what we will do to fix each other and say we’re gonna do this and that but truthfully neither one of us actually tried to change. What would you recommend to get past that and have both partners get to actually trying to bring back that old love that once sparked their relationship

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