Ass Pennies – Upright Citizens Brigade

Ass Pennies – Upright Citizens Brigade


Suck. So, anyways, I finally got
a meeting with Bellamy, the bacon bits king. Now, I know
my campaign’s awesome. The problem is,
everybody I talk to says Bellamy’s
a real ball-breaker. Yeah, that’s what
they say. Yeah. Well, Nick,
you’re my brother and you’re incredibly
successful. Yes, I am. I was hoping that maybe
you could give me some tips that might give me an edge
when I meet with him. Okay, sure.
Here’s a good one. When you greet him, give him
a good, firm handshake and don’t release
until he does. No, no, no, no.
I want something different. Something special. Wear a red tie. Power tie,
that’s bush league. I’m talking about
a secret weapon here, Nick. Oh, secret weapon, huh? Yeah. Okay, I think I know
what you’re after. But if I tell you,
you gotta promise not to tell
anybody else. I promise. This is sort of
a long-term strategy. When’s your meeting
with Bellamy? A week from today. Oh, not much time,
but it might work. Yeah, okay, sure. Every time a penny
passes through your hands, stick it up your ass. What? And then spend it. (sarcastic)
Thanks, Nick. Yeah, I thought you were
really gonna help me. How does sticking pennies
up my ass give me an edge
when I meet with him? You don’t just
stick ’em up your ass, you spend them. Now, like I said,
it’s a long-term strategy. I’ve been doing this
for 11 years now. Every day
for the past 11 years, I’ve stuffed $30
in pennies up my ass. I use ’em for everything–
cab rides, movie theater,
groceries. What does that accomplish? Will you listen? That’s a lot of ass pennies
I got out there, my friend. And here’s where
the magic comes in. When I meet with someone
who intimidates me, who puts me on edge,
a real “hard-ass,” I just think to myself, they’ve probably handled
one of my ass pennies. In fact,
they probably have one in their pocket right then. That just seems to sort of
give me the upper hand. I mean, hey, I haven’t
touched anything that’s been in their ass. Hey, where’s Bellamy
like to eat? He likes to eat
at the Pump Room. Great,
here’s what you do. Go to the bank today.
Get yourself $50 in pennies. Stick ’em all
up your ass. Oh, please… One at a time,
of course. You go to the Pump Room,
buy yourself a nice dinner, paying entirely
in pennies. Now, they’ll be
using your pennies for
the next week at least. Bellamy goes in there
to eat. He gets your ass pennies
for change. By the time
you meet with him, you know he’s had
something in his hand that you’ve had
in your ass. So? So then you got
the upper hand. No, I don’t. Yeah, you do. It’s just like imagining
someone in their underwear. No, it’s not!
It’s horrible! Yeah, well,
it works for me. (scoffs) You know what?
I used to look up to you. I used to think you really
had it together. Oh, I do have it together,
little brother. You don’t pull down
eight figures a year without having it
to-gether. You don’t have it
together, Nick. You stick pennies
up your ass for confidence. That’s not having it
together! Do you think you’re
better than me? I didn’t say that. Oh, you didn’t have to. It’s written
all over your face. You have any change
in your pocket? Why? Take it out. Why? Go on. Take it out
and take a good look at it. (coins jingling) Oh, my. You’ve got a few pennies
in there, don’t you? I’ve been sticking
$30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That’s 3,000 pennies
a day. 21,000 pennies a week. 1,092,000 pennies
a year. To date,
that’s 12,012,000 pennies, eight times the population
of Nebraska. Those pennies
were in my ass! You think you’re better
than me? Oh, you’re not
better than me. You handle my ass pennies
every day. You pick up my ass pennies
for good luck. You throw my ass pennies
in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies
to your little daughter to buy gumballs… Ugh…! You handle my ass pennies
every day. All of you! You all handle my ass pennies! I’ll laugh at you
before you can laugh at me. Because your pennies
have been in my ass.You hear me?

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